Preschool

    Leo started preschool. Honestly, I thought this would feel like a bigger transition than it does. I mean, at the end of the week I can feel the difference. But on school days, our days our smooth. We're two weeks in. He goes Mon-Wed mornings. I'm not looking forward to the first bad day. I'm not looking forward to bringing home a sickness. But, he has honestly been loving it. It's going well with his daytime nurse (HUGE PRAISE). And I'm enjoying some time to myself--to do enjoyable and productive things. 

    I think there's two big things in my head when it comes to Leo going to preschool. One is: past me would not believe this. Two is: with more regular time to myself, I have space for feelings to come up and be felt and processed from losing two babies and then my firstborn having a major surgery. I'm afraid that this sounds like I'm being dramatic or harping on something, but I know I'm not. I am taking space to process the last 4 months in particular. When left in stillness and quiet, there's an underlying sadness that's just there. And I'm grateful to have time to feel it. So, honestly, I feel like I'm processing miscarriage more than Leo going to preschool. 

    There are also feelings mixed in there of "oh my gosh my boy is so big and i'm so not in control and God please keep him safe and wow what is his future gonna look like and please God keep his neck safe and i miss him so much and wow". 

    Lastly, to past me,

We're going great. I know a lot feels impossible for you, but I just want you to know that you'll learn over time. You can do a lot more than you think you can. You don't have to do things at a fast pace. You can take your time. You can be "slower than average" at processing things. Good things that you can't even imagine being possible right now are going to happen. Bad things that you are not expecting are also going to happen. You can't stop them. You don't control any or either of those things. So, please stop trying to make those things happen or not happen. Just be mom. You're not making his world. You're helping him navigate it. And you're doing a fan-freakin-tastic job.