Fragile

 I've never seen Leo as fragile. Except for right now. 

I feel as though I have to protect my boy from his own body. I feel as though I need to keep him from turning his neck. I feel as though it is on me to make sure he doesn't fracture his neck and require more surgery. 

He feels very fragile to me right now. And I hate that. 

For the majority of his life, I have loved how Leo is. I have loved his physical body and seen God through the vulnerabilities that Leo displays. It's just a more obvious way to see what's in all of us. No one has perfect physical bodies. His needs more care. And that's that. 

But this is different. This is instability in his neck and trying to help him protect his spinal cord. This came out of nowhere and blindsided us. This realistically could have ended Leo's life had we not found it. This is helping his bones to heal, meanwhile a movement that his body cannot help but do is not good for his neck. 

I don't like this. I'm not rejoicing in this. I'm sad that my son has to deal with this surgery and recovery. I'm scared for what more of things like this will be in his future. I see the vulnerability of his physical body and I don't see God's grace. It feels like cruelty. I'm so scared. Surrendering my child's wellbeing has never felt more real. I feel so helpless. I can't keep this stuff from happening. I must trust God with Leo's wellbeing. I have never been able to keep these things from happening. But being aware of it is another monster. 

When I look for the good, I can see it. Leo's joy is unmatched. The community that we have experienced is heavenly. Leaning on friends' and family's shoulders while you sob connects you deeper than small talk and put together pleasantries. We've gotten to be a glimpse of Jesus to medical staff who don't know him. 

My boy shows me daily that life is about connecting to people and to our Creator no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. Life is fragile. That's a reality. I don't like how fragile my son's body is--right now. I know God loves him more than I do. I know that I'm doing my best to care for him. And I know the voices of anxiety inside of me are very normal responses. 

We're moving forward one day at a time. I am very fragile right now. I look forward to when life doesn't feel this way anymore. 

p.s. shout out to the ones who know "A Christmas Story" and read the title as "fra-jee-lay" ;) you're the realest