Why does it bother me so much?

     There's something about this movement. When he's upset, he pushes his head off to the side. If he's laying down, his cheek is pressed in between his teeth from pushing it onto the floor. His hips press up as his legs straighten and his toes point and turn in. His arms pull back as his chest pushes out. Often teeth grinding will accompany it. 

    He's currently laying down in bed with no night nurse. This is a rare occasion for Leo. He's not used to being in his room alone. On these nights, Brad and I will pop in and out of his room as needed. Sometimes he falls asleep without a peep. Other times he talks himself to sleep. And--sometimes--he fights sleep with all that he has. 

    When I see him--on the monitor--doing this movement, the voice in my head says, "Leo, GIVE IT UP! Stop being dumb and childish let your body be quiet! STOP making it harder for yourself. Stop being dumb." I can literally picture the wear that the grinding his teeth does. I picture his cheek being bit between his teeth. Everything in me wants that movement to STOP. 

    And I'm powerless to do so. 

    I cannot stop it. I can comfort him. I can go to him and try and help him relax his body. I cannot make him relax. He is being childish. He's a child! Also, I can be so childish when I'm tired, too. So let me try and rewrite this story in me head. What's actually going on?

    He's tired. It's hard to quiet your body and settle down when you're tired. He doesn't like being alone. He feels uncomfortable in the dark, maybe? He wants this situation to end. That's it. He wants this situation to end. So he will fight it. He is telling me that he is unhappy. He is telling me that he is mad. I will go to him. I want him to know that I understand how he feels. I understand that it's a difficult situation. And I want to give him the tools to handle these kinds of situations. I want him to know that even if he feels not ok, he is safe and secure. 

    Ok. I'm rambling. This isn't easy to rewrite in my head. Especially because as I'm writing this I hear his angry cries and his teeth grinding together. I also want to be able to comfort him in these times, and I can't comfort him well if I am worked up. 

    I need to wait until he is asleep to start his nighttime feed. If I were to start it now, he would work himself into a puke no doubt. 

    UGH I WANT TO FORCE HIM TO CALM DOWN! I can't. And I don't have to fix everything. God's got him. I don't have to stop the movements that his body does. God's bigger than teeth grinding and a sore neck. He is ok. He is also tired and so am I. 

    I am going to do a puzzle now :)