Playtime

    Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed that simply sitting and playing with Leo gets boring. I mean, when I sit down to feed him, I need to hold him up afterwards to help lessen the chance of pukes. It is so easy to simply sit on the couch and watch something on my computer. However, I've been addressing my own screentime a bit, so I'm trying to just sit and have 100 time with Leo--he gets 100% of my attention. And it's not easy. 

    When there's nothing on in the background and I'm simply with Leo, I think my brain feels a little under-stimulated. I would argue that our screens can really over stimulate me, hitting it with little dopamine shots so frequently. So it's hard to be more bored. I'm working on it. I think the other thing is that when I don't have anything on I can listen to my own thoughts and that can be a scary thing sometimes. I just mean I can get anxious about it. 

    When I do listen to my thoughts in 100 time with Leo, I think that I tend to tell myself that I'm not doing "the right" thing with Leo. With all of his therapy, it's like I'm telling myself, "Well, make sure you work on _____ activity enough. That's what his body needs." And while it's good to be aware of things that are good for Leo, I don't want my entire driving force to be "I always have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing for Leo in order to keep *whatever person* happy." Because, literally, what that is is me trying to make sure that I'm a "good enough" mom by doing what I think other people think is good for Leo so that they will affirm that I'm a good enough mom. I know that was a babble, but I'm pretty sure it's what I meant to say. 

    It's such a skewed motivation, and I'm not proud that I can operate within it sometimes--I'm sure more frequently than I'd like to admit. But, taking time to turn off the screens and acknowledge to myself that I don't have to always find the "right" thing to do with Leo, I can just be with him and that's enough. We don't always have to find the most "productive" thing to do. I can simply love him. I can enjoy him. I can treat him as God--oh yeah, HE'S the reference point for everything--wants me to. Being Leo's mom means way more than just trying to help him physically (through theraputic activities). It means keeping him safe, teaching him about God and the way He made the world to work, and being the kind of person that I want to teach him to be. 

    All of that to say that playtime can be hard. Sometimes I feel bad that being with my kid can be boring. I'm working on turning off screens. And my brain can be a loud place sometimes.